I've made it to the final step of eHarmony's guided conversation with the first of my matches ( there are 8 remaining in various stages) so now we're free to communicate on our own, i.e., send each other self-crafted emails rather than canned questions. When you get to this point, you get this slightly scary message from the founder reminding you to trust your gut (my gut? the one that landed me with the 29 year old?), to be safe, and to take it slow. And you think, enough, already. But then it hits you - you're on your own now.
The funny thing is, I actually kinda liked being in the safety net and now I feel kinda nervous. Am I gonna say something wrong? Will he nix me because I'm not smart enough? How do I explain the midlife crisis (he asked about my "career transition")? And the thought of meeting him in person...fuck. I'm having those poisonous girl thoughts: maybe I'm not his type? Maybe I need to put this off until I lose 10 pounds. And why did I think it was okay to label myself "confident"?
Just to be clear, this is all taking me a little by surprise. After all, I'm the kind of girl who talks to the cashier just for fun, just to see what he's all about. I'm the one who talks with the super hot guy in the bar even though he's way outta out my league. So I know this is partially because it's That Time of Bitchiness and Tears, and partially because I'm feeling insecure about not having a job. But I also wonder,
how much of this fear is it that these guys want Commitment. Really. And if that's what I want, really, then I've got to pull this shit together.
When I wash my face tonight, I'm gonna look in the mirror, smile, wipe that toothpaste from my chin and say, you are The Queen, Miss Victoria, THE QUEEN.
