Why I am suspicious of eHarmony:
Reason 1. Aren’t you?
Reason 2. My first free “compatibility” report says I’d be best with a man, like myself, who values his free time and is not interested in having children of his own. If you read the previous post, you’ll find this strange because as you’ll recall, the only reason I joined was to find a partner who 1. wants commitment and 2. wants to start a family. Personally, the reason I find this so strange is that I am absolutely positive that I selected the “fuck yeah, bring 'em on!” radio button to every iteration of the question “do you want children”.
In addition to their gross error compiling data, their wording leaves a lot of room for interpretation. This is how I read “children of his own”: I can get pregnant and when I deliver, I need simply to sign a waiver that says she’s all mine based on his eHarmony compatibility profile. I’ll offer up one of those agreements parents broker with kids wanting a puppy – my promise that I’ll feed and clean her and take her for the daily walk. Deal.
I know, I know. If this was dating, there’d be red flags waving. But with the near-desperate state of my eggs, I choose to withhold judgment about the soundness of their scoring and instead, proceed in a constructive manner. I send in an inquiry the morning of January 19th stating that I won’t be paying to join unless someone explains how my profiles match me up with someone missing the ONE absolutely necessary quality I require – the desire to be a father.
Reason 3. When I check email the next day, I have no reply to my inquiry. However, when I check my account with eH, my compatibility report is – mysteriously – changed. My future mate now wants to adopt or have children of his own! God really does listen! But isn’t that just my luck - I haven’t even started dating him yet and he’s already shaping up to be as inconsistent as the rest of the exes.
4. My pet peeve with the state of online commerce: on January 25th, 6 days later, I receive a reply which basically states that only the Great Oracle knows the answer to my question but isn’t it great that you’ve contracted him and his magic seer abilities which can’t help but find the right guy for you?!?! I am not impressed.
Oh, and by the way, there’s a fantastic “help” section that will answer most your questions, assuming you’re a monkey typing mindlessly at your keyboard.
5 new “matches” today. I am strangely appeased.
