Next Stop, Hades

Is anyone else concerned that Muni hired Satan to record the overhead announcement at the Folsom Street N-Judah stop?

Trains, Tags, and Blood

While I sit around musing about not writing (I learned my lesson and put an extra notebook by my bed), my favorite cousin, Ben the lovely giant (he'd kill me for saying so but most of his life, he looked like a little blond elf. So cute!), art student extrordinaire, and all around amazing person, is out and about in the middle of the night doing his work. Feel free to comment if you think this is vandalism rather than art but know you aint gonna change my mind.

Behold:


Say it, baby. And thanks for sharing.

"I Won't Ever Forget You", She Said Before He Sailed

I hate when you've just gotten into bed, just found that sweet three-cornered perfectly orchestrated merge of heaven when the sheets warm to body temperature, the thump-thump thhhhhhhump-thump of reggae from the fuck-wad law students below suddenly ceases, and your body finally says goodbye to today's slice of 24 and starts to fuzz out, eyelids first.

And then the poem comes.

One of those poems with a concept so basic, you can't believe you'd never thought of it before. A subject so day-to-day but so significant that you instantly think of two full phrases and an opening line. The kind of poem so frickingly, brilliantly simple, that you can assure yourself with all confidence that there is no need to get out of bed; no need to disrupt the lull of tucked in warmth, no need to step out onto the chilly floor to get a pen and the journal, no need to shake sleep. No, this one's a keeper. And you think of the last poem that came to you like this and how nice it was that you woke yourself up and wrote and wrote in the warm summer early morning, and how good it was, the final poem. But you also think, how nice, but how unnecessary, because this poem is different: it's so simple, so right, you'll never forget it.

For the life of me, I can't remember last night's poem. A good poet is neither lazy, nor easily chilled.

Papa Lets Baby Grow Up...And She's Not Sure She Likes It

I've made it to the final step of eHarmony's guided conversation with the first of my matches ( there are 8 remaining in various stages) so now we're free to communicate on our own, i.e., send each other self-crafted emails rather than canned questions. When you get to this point, you get this slightly scary message from the founder reminding you to trust your gut (my gut? the one that landed me with the 29 year old?), to be safe, and to take it slow. And you think, enough, already. But then it hits you - you're on your own now.

The funny thing is, I actually kinda liked being in the safety net and now I feel kinda nervous. Am I gonna say something wrong? Will he nix me because I'm not smart enough? How do I explain the midlife crisis (he asked about my "career transition")? And the thought of meeting him in person...fuck. I'm having those poisonous girl thoughts: maybe I'm not his type? Maybe I need to put this off until I lose 10 pounds. And why did I think it was okay to label myself "confident"?

Just to be clear, this is all taking me a little by surprise. After all, I'm the kind of girl who talks to the cashier just for fun, just to see what he's all about. I'm the one who talks with the super hot guy in the bar even though he's way outta out my league. So I know this is partially because it's That Time of Bitchiness and Tears, and partially because I'm feeling insecure about not having a job. But I also wonder,

how much of this fear is it that these guys want Commitment. Really. And if that's what I want, really, then I've got to pull this shit together.

When I wash my face tonight, I'm gonna look in the mirror, smile, wipe that toothpaste from my chin and say, you are The Queen, Miss Victoria, THE QUEEN.

You Owe the Internet Oracle Your First Born

Why I am suspicious of eHarmony:

Reason 1. Aren’t you?

Reason 2. My first free “compatibility” report says I’d be best with a man, like myself, who values his free time and is not interested in having children of his own. If you read the previous post, you’ll find this strange because as you’ll recall, the only reason I joined was to find a partner who 1. wants commitment and 2. wants to start a family. Personally, the reason I find this so strange is that I am absolutely positive that I selected the “fuck yeah, bring 'em on!” radio button to every iteration of the question “do you want children”.

In addition to their gross error compiling data, their wording leaves a lot of room for interpretation. This is how I read “children of his own”: I can get pregnant and when I deliver, I need simply to sign a waiver that says she’s all mine based on his eHarmony compatibility profile. I’ll offer up one of those agreements parents broker with kids wanting a puppy – my promise that I’ll feed and clean her and take her for the daily walk. Deal.

I know, I know. If this was dating, there’d be red flags waving. But with the near-desperate state of my eggs, I choose to withhold judgment about the soundness of their scoring and instead, proceed in a constructive manner. I send in an inquiry the morning of January 19th stating that I won’t be paying to join unless someone explains how my profiles match me up with someone missing the ONE absolutely necessary quality I require – the desire to be a father.

Reason 3. When I check email the next day, I have no reply to my inquiry. However, when I check my account with eH, my compatibility report is – mysteriously – changed. My future mate now wants to adopt or have children of his own! God really does listen! But isn’t that just my luck - I haven’t even started dating him yet and he’s already shaping up to be as inconsistent as the rest of the exes.

4. My pet peeve with the state of online commerce: on January 25th, 6 days later, I receive a reply which basically states that only the Great Oracle knows the answer to my question but isn’t it great that you’ve contracted him and his magic seer abilities which can’t help but find the right guy for you?!?! I am not impressed.

Oh, and by the way, there’s a fantastic “help” section that will answer most your questions, assuming you’re a monkey typing mindlessly at your keyboard.

5 new “matches” today. I am strangely appeased.

eHarmony: The 29th Dimension and Beyond

I burst into tears today reading Dooce .

That woman is a f**king rock star; I love the way she writes and she's funny as hell. But for some reason, she brings me to tears. It's not her fight with depression that does it (o.k., I'm fibbing a bit), it's not even the cute husband or the enviable marriage. It's the Leta posts. When Heather writes the anniversary letters to Leta, I can't help but pray to God, if you gift me with a baby, I promise to write to her too. Every day! And..and I even promise not to ask to be published any more! What got me today wasn't really the posts but a trip through Heather's Flickr files: I found a beautifully simple photo of a back lit Leta, nose to nose with her daddy. It killed me. Heather, you deserve your treasures.

But I still get a little sad.

When a woman of a certain age finds herself crying over websites and buying more and more magnets in order to put up each and every one of the baby pictures received over the holidays (we may have to discuss this later - come on girls, Sears Holiday Cards?) while photos of her recent trip to Cambodia languor in Picassa, eventually, she admits to herself that it's time to reassess the future.

So this week, I joined eHarmony. And this week, everyone was an online dating expert. I kept hearing, someone like you needs Nerve. And, have you tried Match?

My dear, well-meaning friends, if I want to hook up with "interesting" guys who just want to get freaky, or better yet, manic-date, we all know that it's not necessary to go online. I'm out. A lot. I see shows, go to poetry readings, check out art openings and watch soccer. Did I mention dinner parties with previously mentioned well-meaning friends? Yet all I've managed to scoop up of any significance is the Doctor who loves music and art but won't commit, the BoyScout, so hot in bed it's frightening, and the Furniture Maker who is an amalgam of both. But no one, no one in the past 12 months who is even remotely interested in family and kids. Let's be honest, I've reached the point of doing the deed unprotected, praying for an accident, and this is not acceptable.

So after weeks of ad hoc research, I've picked one. I figure at the very least, I get a free personality profile. This is their plug:

...Scientific research has shown that picking the right person is the best way to achieve a great relationship....eHarmony is able to learn about its members from the inside out and match them based on deep, meaningful characteristics. Our detailed questionnaire measures the intricate facets of a person, including the 29 dimensions that are most important in relationship success. We then match singles who have the best chance of making great relationship partners. And to improve the chances of success even more, we guide matches as they get to know each other with a unique guided communication process.

I'm skeptical but you know what? I haven't done such a good job picking the winners so why not let the virtual matchmaker give it a try? I'm crossing my fingers.