You Owe the Internet Oracle Your First Born

Why I am suspicious of eHarmony:

Reason 1. Aren’t you?

Reason 2. My first free “compatibility” report says I’d be best with a man, like myself, who values his free time and is not interested in having children of his own. If you read the previous post, you’ll find this strange because as you’ll recall, the only reason I joined was to find a partner who 1. wants commitment and 2. wants to start a family. Personally, the reason I find this so strange is that I am absolutely positive that I selected the “fuck yeah, bring 'em on!” radio button to every iteration of the question “do you want children”.

In addition to their gross error compiling data, their wording leaves a lot of room for interpretation. This is how I read “children of his own”: I can get pregnant and when I deliver, I need simply to sign a waiver that says she’s all mine based on his eHarmony compatibility profile. I’ll offer up one of those agreements parents broker with kids wanting a puppy – my promise that I’ll feed and clean her and take her for the daily walk. Deal.

I know, I know. If this was dating, there’d be red flags waving. But with the near-desperate state of my eggs, I choose to withhold judgment about the soundness of their scoring and instead, proceed in a constructive manner. I send in an inquiry the morning of January 19th stating that I won’t be paying to join unless someone explains how my profiles match me up with someone missing the ONE absolutely necessary quality I require – the desire to be a father.

Reason 3. When I check email the next day, I have no reply to my inquiry. However, when I check my account with eH, my compatibility report is – mysteriously – changed. My future mate now wants to adopt or have children of his own! God really does listen! But isn’t that just my luck - I haven’t even started dating him yet and he’s already shaping up to be as inconsistent as the rest of the exes.

4. My pet peeve with the state of online commerce: on January 25th, 6 days later, I receive a reply which basically states that only the Great Oracle knows the answer to my question but isn’t it great that you’ve contracted him and his magic seer abilities which can’t help but find the right guy for you?!?! I am not impressed.

Oh, and by the way, there’s a fantastic “help” section that will answer most your questions, assuming you’re a monkey typing mindlessly at your keyboard.

5 new “matches” today. I am strangely appeased.

eHarmony: The 29th Dimension and Beyond

I burst into tears today reading Dooce .

That woman is a f**king rock star; I love the way she writes and she's funny as hell. But for some reason, she brings me to tears. It's not her fight with depression that does it (o.k., I'm fibbing a bit), it's not even the cute husband or the enviable marriage. It's the Leta posts. When Heather writes the anniversary letters to Leta, I can't help but pray to God, if you gift me with a baby, I promise to write to her too. Every day! And..and I even promise not to ask to be published any more! What got me today wasn't really the posts but a trip through Heather's Flickr files: I found a beautifully simple photo of a back lit Leta, nose to nose with her daddy. It killed me. Heather, you deserve your treasures.

But I still get a little sad.

When a woman of a certain age finds herself crying over websites and buying more and more magnets in order to put up each and every one of the baby pictures received over the holidays (we may have to discuss this later - come on girls, Sears Holiday Cards?) while photos of her recent trip to Cambodia languor in Picassa, eventually, she admits to herself that it's time to reassess the future.

So this week, I joined eHarmony. And this week, everyone was an online dating expert. I kept hearing, someone like you needs Nerve. And, have you tried Match?

My dear, well-meaning friends, if I want to hook up with "interesting" guys who just want to get freaky, or better yet, manic-date, we all know that it's not necessary to go online. I'm out. A lot. I see shows, go to poetry readings, check out art openings and watch soccer. Did I mention dinner parties with previously mentioned well-meaning friends? Yet all I've managed to scoop up of any significance is the Doctor who loves music and art but won't commit, the BoyScout, so hot in bed it's frightening, and the Furniture Maker who is an amalgam of both. But no one, no one in the past 12 months who is even remotely interested in family and kids. Let's be honest, I've reached the point of doing the deed unprotected, praying for an accident, and this is not acceptable.

So after weeks of ad hoc research, I've picked one. I figure at the very least, I get a free personality profile. This is their plug:

...Scientific research has shown that picking the right person is the best way to achieve a great relationship....eHarmony is able to learn about its members from the inside out and match them based on deep, meaningful characteristics. Our detailed questionnaire measures the intricate facets of a person, including the 29 dimensions that are most important in relationship success. We then match singles who have the best chance of making great relationship partners. And to improve the chances of success even more, we guide matches as they get to know each other with a unique guided communication process.

I'm skeptical but you know what? I haven't done such a good job picking the winners so why not let the virtual matchmaker give it a try? I'm crossing my fingers.